How I Work
Three Phases
Therapy with me unfolds in three phases. You can complete one, two, or all three phases depending on what you need—there's no obligation to continue beyond what feels right for you.
Phase One: Understanding Why You Are the Way You Are
The first phase is about insight and understanding. Everyone comes to therapy with their own story about why they struggle, why certain patterns repeat, or why they have the symptoms they do. My job is to help you fill in the gaps—the missing pieces that make sense of your experience.
Together, we will write a clear, simple story that explains why you are the way you are. This isn't an autobiography nor is it a timeline of events. It is a chronological explanation of the issues you struggle with in the form of a story. We use this story to guide the work in phase two.
For some people, particularly those who haven't faced significant trauma or hardship, this level of insight is enough. They leave therapy with a clearer understanding and are able to move forward. But for many others, understanding alone isn't sufficient. They need something more—which brings us to the second phase.
Phase Two: Managing Internal States
This is where the work shifts from insight and cognition to something more emotional and felt. I call this phase "managing internal states."
Internal states are simply a system of feelings, emotions, thoughts, beliefs, behaviours, and urges that guide how you respond to the world around you. These states often have their roots in our history—often in strategies we developed early in life to cope with difficult circumstances. This phase is about recognising these internal states and discovering new states that are better suited to your current circumstances.
Phase Two has three main tasks (in no particular order):
1. Enhancing attachment security
If you're in phase two, there's a good chance the way you learned to relate to others as a child—your attachment style—worked well back then but doesn't serve you now. If you're having difficulty relating to loved ones and yourself, we will use a technique to help you experience and learn how to better relate to these loved ones and yourself (see the Three-Pillar Model of Attachment Disturbance in the Resources section). If attachment theory is new to you, have a look at the websites I've listed in the Resources section.
2. Getting to know your internal states
This is where people make some big discoveries. With curiosity and care, we'll get to know the states of mind that make up your inner world—sometimes we call these parts. We'll understand how each part has its own distinct set of thoughts, feelings, urges, beliefs, and behaviours. With time, you'll get a sense of when these parts are activated in your life. The neat thing about this phase is that once you can sense those parts, you'll discover you have more clarity, choice and control about how to act (see Internal Family Systems therapy in the Resources section).
3. Healing your hurts
Some of us have been hurt so much that our mind and body has changed in response to that hurt. We call these changes a trauma response. Some traumas are "Big T" traumas—events like physical or sexual abuse, severe neglect, witnessing violence, serious accidents, or life-threatening experiences. Others are "little t" traumas—experiences like ongoing criticism, emotional neglect, bullying, parental conflict, divorce, or persistent feelings of not being seen or valued. Often, we need to heal these hurts so that our system can feel safer and wiser. Whenever you're ready, we will bravely and patiently help you to feel okay with these traumatic memories (see EMDR and IFS in the Resources section).
Phase Three: Creating a Life Worth Living
Some people finish therapy in Phase Two. But there are others who find themselves asking bigger questions: "How do I actually live? How do I create a life that suits me? How do I raise my family? How do I be a good partner or parent? How do I hold down a job? How do I find something meaningful to do? How do I look after my health?"
All of these questions are essentially about how to live. This third phase is about living, because many people have been living in ways that are more like survival rather than thriving. Phase Three is about helping you thrive—helping you live, helping you do what people who haven't had difficult pasts often do naturally. It's about creating a meaningful and purposeful life where you feel skilled and resourced enough to do what you want to do.
Ending Therapy
We'll be talking about finishing your therapy from the beginning. When your therapy ends is up to you. I'm here for as long as you need me. But I don't want to overstay my welcome. If I think you are ready to finish, I will sensitively discuss this with you. If you decide to finish, but you realise later that you need more help, then you are welcome to return. If you need a break in the middle of therapy, this is also welcomed.
Ready to explore how this model might work for you?